The Moralizer and the PC Police
While they may seem different on the surface (one tends to lean to the right and the other to the left), they both have something in common: censoring and sanitizing your work. They're the ones who wring their hands every time a character lights up a cigarette ("Can't you have a subplot where she's trying to quit?"), takes a drink or lets a cuss word escape her lips. They're the ones who clutch their pearls if your character doesn't recycle, has a single shallow thought in the entire manuscript, or *gasp!* wants to get married and have a baby. Both these people tend to forget that you're writing a story and not a pamphlet on their version of perfection.
The occasional drink, smoke or swear word isn't going to turn your character into a glue-huffing porno queen, but be careful that you're not using those things in an attempt to be subversive. Vices and swearing haven't been edgy since the Lenny Bruce era. Having a character that wants to get married and have babies isn't going to make you the second coming of Phyllis Schlafly, but make sure that character is a fully fledged human being and not a caricature of every biological clock routine in hack comedy.
You just have to be true to your story and to your character. You can't sanitize and PC your book to death, because no matter what you write, somebody somewhere is going to get offended anyway.
The Annihilator
Also known as The Shredder, The Hater, or as this article states, The Carb-Free Poop Sandwich Peddler (her post inspired me to write mine, so credit where credit's due). This person only tells you what didn't work in your manuscript and is so stingy with the compliments you wonder if there's a worldwide shortage. You know you've run into one when your Inner Critic starts taking on their form.
Some in this category are so completely in the editing zone that they forget to point out the goods; if this is the case, you can ask them to point out what did work in addition to what didn't to make it a more balanced critique. They're not haters so much as oblivious, and those with good intentions tend to mend their ways (and feel free to correct them when they backslide).
Others in this category are not so oblivious as much as malicious. They're the ones who look at you with narrowed eyes and pinched lips as they tick off everything they hate and equate compliments with coddling. They get personally offended when your first draft doesn't read like a bestseller and accuse you of wasting their time. Ironically, that same person gets mysteriously thin-skinned when forced to taste their own medicine. Remember, their feelings are a precious natural resource while everyone else's are a silly little afterthought.
The Know-it-All
Their opinions are facts, their word is law, and their narcissism knows no bounds. Some of them are legalists and so hung up on technical correctness the first sign of a bent or broken rule (even if it's done for good reason) sends The Know-it-All scurrying for their red pen. Some of them have an outdated version of the rules and insist that your (correct!) formatting is going to land you in the slush pile. Your manuscript can be cleaner than an operating room, but they will still find something to pick at, even if it's something as innocuous as a typo and belabor that sucker to death, because nothing escapes his notice. Nothing.
Do not confuse this person with The Researcher or The Fact-Checker. Those people know a lot about a lot and will keep your manuscript from looking like a case of Author Research Fail. If they don't know that answer themselves, they know where you might find it. The Know-it-All, on the other hand, merely inflates her knowledge. She gives advice, not to help, but to show you just how much more she knows than you do.
The Special Snowflake
This person can overlap with the above CP's from Hades, or they can be their own special brand of hell. If it's a large group and everyone is given an allotted amount of time to speak, The Special Snowflake feels entitled to keep going once the timer goes off, and also sees nothing wrong with talking over another member's turn. They sometimes neglect critiquing your work or give you the bare minimum of effort, yet they will e-mail a submission well past the deadline and expect you to do a thorough job with it. The Special Snowflake will have an excuse ready as to why the rules of writing and critiquing don't apply to them but if you have a minor infraction, they're ready to read you the riot act. In other words, this person's face needs to meet a tube sock full of nickels.
These CP's are few and far between, and I thank every deity out there for that. If there's only one or two in the group, you and the rest of the members will have to talk to them about their behavior, and if they don't shape up, kick them out. It's hard to do, but grow some ovaries and get it done. If you have a whole group of these types, you're better off finding a new one. Critique groups are supposed to be supportive without coddling you, honest while still being diplomatic, and most of all, they're supposed to keep you wanting to write.
Hilarious! :)
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